I am who I am....When I first starting thinking about doing this blog I didn't realize how much this would test how much of myself I am really willing to share with the world. I knew logically that I was going to put myself out there and that this would get real. What I didn't realize was that I had so many fears about doing that. I have always been that girl that you tell me no and watch how fast I do it. I have always been confident and damn close to fearless in who I am. Looking back though, it's a lot easier to be that way when it's just the people you choose to have in your life that you're being that way with. I thought I would be like that regardless but I have learned it takes a certain amount of time to get comfortable with people to truly be yourself and show all of yourself without fear. In doing this blog I'm just putting it all out there and I don't even know most of y'all. How then, do you get that beginning comfort to truly show yourself if you don't have that one on one interaction. The answer is, you don't. This process makes you get that comfort with yourself and yourself only. That sounds crazy easy but it's a lot harder than I realized.
I learned this a couple of months ago. I wrote a blog about hard conversations and it could be slightly controversial anyway, but I also used the word "shit" in it. Now to me, this sounds ridiculous to say but that one word scared me. I posted that blog and then I chickened out and deleted it. I was scared of being judged. The last thing that I ever want to do is to alienate anyone. At this present moment I am engaged to someone who is from a religious and more conservative background than myself. All I could think about when I first posted that blog was "what if they read it?" "What if they are appalled?" "What if not only the language used is offensive to them but the content as well?" I believe whole heartedly in what I said in that post and that's what I want this blog to embody. A safe place for all the hard and easy and fun and sad and exciting conversations that we can come up with. All the conversations that you maybe can't have with your family or friends you can come here and feel safe to speak and figure things out without judgement. I didn't take my own advice and I wasn't trusting the process of doing this. How can I expect people to read this blog and use it as a safe place if I am too afraid to do it myself? I can't.
I am that girl that you tell no and I show you how fast I can do it. That is me and yeah I'm still a little afraid and nervous about putting that out there. I'm doing it anyway. I'm doing it because our society needs real. It does not need the dumbed down or censored version of us. My readers deserve real. All real all the time. My dad and I actually had this conversation and he laughed when I told him I was afraid of being judged. That was not quite the helpful reaction I was looking for but he did, he laughed. Then he said to me. "honey, you're already being judged". That took me aback a little. I never thought of it that way. He's right. We are all already being judged. I would rather be judged be it in a good light or a bad light for being my authentic self, than for being a censored version of myself any day of the week. So regardless of who anyone else is, in this blog, in my blog I will be fully myself. In the hopes that you all out there reading it feel comfort and security in that to also be just yourselves on here. I never want to offend or to alienate in any way. But not being real in an effort to not offend isn't going to do any of us any good. So I am who I am. Regardless of who anyone else is. This blog is real and will stay real. #southernmorningcoffee